What to do when someone with PTSD pushes you away
You may know what it feels like to witness someone you deeply care about suffer or possibly unravel. It can feel helpless, powerless, and heartbreaking. Did you extend a tender and gentle invitation to help like dropping texts of “I’m here for you” or a direct “what can I do to help?” only to get a definitive ‘no’ as a response? The rejection could have been a confusing “No, I’m fine” or an angry “leave me alone”; either one, or a response in between, can seem irrational since this person, from your perspective, is clearly suffering.
Being pushed away and rejected for trying to help or even connect with someone who may have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) can feel confusing, irrational, and you might take it personally thinking you’ve said or done something wrong. But the more you know about trauma and how the body experiences it, stores it, and protects you from future trauma, you will find out that it makes total sense.
Types of Trauma
First, let's talk about trauma.
There are the Big “T” traumas, a singular traumatic event that could have happened days or decades ago and Little “t” traumas, an accumulation of smaller or less pronounced events. The common thread for both of these are that someone experienced something really scary and felt very alone in it and/or dealing with. The ‘alone’ part doesn’t assume you were physically alone, just that you felt alone. For instance someone /others could be there with you during the experience or afterwards but if they don’t talk with you about it or even acknowledged that it happened, the sense of ‘alone’ can code the experience into the victim as one as a major threat of survival.
Once the body has encoded an experience as a threat to survival it is remembered and stored within the limbic system, which allows it to be recalled easily and quickly as opposed to long-term memory. If the victim of Big T or Little t trauma(s) gets emotional support, empathy, compassion, tenderness and an opportunity to process it with help from family, friends, or a professional than the trauma has a good chance of moving into long-term memory.
However, if the experience stays in the limbic system, for a variety of reasons, then this past experience can be triggered, or ‘lit up’, months or years later with something as small as a sound or a smell, and the victim can feel like the trauma is happening all over again, even though it is not. Though there is more to the criteria for a mental health professional to diagnose this is PTSD, although it is a simplified and general definition.
Why PTSD lives in the body for years after a traumatic event
When I am working with my people who have experienced trauma I like to get them familiar with our miraculous autonomic nervous system which I call ‘the danger detection system’. The reason why someone with PTSD can get triggered months or years later is that our danger detection system picks up a perceived threat and rings the internal alarms so that this time around we can be better prepared to fight, run, scream or freeze in an attempt to survive. And for some, the danger detection system can keep us locked into fight/run/scream mobilization (sympathetic nervous system) or into frozen immobilization (a dorsal vagal response within parasympathetic nervous system).
Here are some things you can do to support someone with PTSD who pushes you away
Communicating your support
If your loved one has entered into a sympathetic nervous system state they are behaving in accordance with their wiring if they get angry, confrontational or want to run away from you. Their physiological state does not allow them to just calm down; they need to be seen and acknowledged that they are experiencing something really frightening and letting them know that you want to be by their side while they go through this can be very helpful.
Use non judgemental language
If they still push you away, please respond with tenderness and especially without judgment! Let them know you love them, can see and feel their suffering, and want them to know they are not alone. If your loved one can see your face, hear your voice, or physically be close to you during this interaction, all the better, as your grounded and non-judgmental stance can help them feel safe, connected and protected.
Here is some specific language and phrases you can try:
“I can see that you are really upset right now and really feel for you. Please know I love and adore you, even when you are upset. Would you like me to stay close by or would you prefer I leave?”
“It looks like talking with me is really hard for you right now. My feelings are not hurt and will respect what you need from me, even if you would feel better if I leave. I will check in with you tomorrow or earlier if you’d like.”
“I know you and know that sometimes you get overwhelmed or angry and want some alone time. I don’t take it personally and hope you will text or call me when you are ready - I just want to know that I’m here for you in whatever way you feel is best.”
Once your person has come out of the fight/flight or freeze response, which could be hours or even a few days, you may want to talk with them, in a non-judgmental and compassionate way, about seeking help from a trauma-informed mental health professional if this behavior seems to be happening more frequently.
Try to see their view through their window, not yours
Feeling empathy, or ‘walking a mile in someone else’s shoes’, is hard when someone you care about is raising their voice, talking with run-on sentences and not looking at you, or literally asking you to leave them alone. You are human, after all, and it stings when we extend a helping hand and it is pushed away.
However, if you take a moment to pause and consider what your friend or loved one is experiencing, rather than focusing on your experience of being pushed away, your empathy can help them come out of their fight / flight state. Once you shift into empathy, you can give them non verbal empathetic and compassionate cues like a warm tender smile or a hand over your heart that can send signals to their nervous system that you are not a threat.
When your person can sense, hear, see or feel your empathy their nervous systems will probably allow them their bodies to soften. If they do not respond well to empathy the first time please try it again, and again if needed, as this person might need to know your empathy is real and consistent, not a trick to get them to let their guard down.
Click here to get started with one of our trauma-informed therapists here at Flourish Psychotherapy and Nutrition.