Right now I should be making dinner but I feel frozen; I am standing in my kitchen, pulling out the easy elements in the fridge to bring a simple dinner together but I can’t go any farther than staring at the glass containers holding chicken salad, radicchio and roasted broccoli.

The thought of going to Toss Pizzeria, ordering a gluten free pizza and watching the Astros - Rangers baseball game comforts me for a moment but then I pause. I realize the comfort that will come by going out won’t last long; I am mindful that distracting myself right now won’t make the big feels that are stirring within go away; it will only delay them.

So I thought I might consider practicing what I preach: reflect and connect with what I am feeling. But I decided to do this with a twist; instead of reflecting and connecting on my own I thought it might be ‘fun’ to write this blog post to see if typing out what I am holding will get me unstuck and back in the kitchen. I am going to put Dan Siegel’s ‘name it to tame it’ into action by naming / labeling my feelings (with the help of the feelings wheel) in order to release their hold on my nervous system (and amygdala).

Here is what I am finding while I look at words on the Feelings Wheel and also sense where in my body these feelings are held:

Right here, right now I am feeling hopeless, powerless, grief and loss with a little bit of hopefulness sprinkled in. I can sense hopelessness is hanging out below my belly button as it feels dense and numb; powerlessness is sensed within the tightness of my chest; grief and loss are felt around my shoulders and throat. Hopefulness feels like a tingle around my forehead.

Using curiosity to explore what was being held within

As I navigate these sensations I have a solid ‘knowing’ that the hopeless and powerlessness are related to the loss of lives in the Middle East, witnessing how some (not all) leaders and media are dismissing peace and humanitarian aid. I am also feeling powerless to help the homeless that live around the S Congress & Ben White area (although their numbers have decreased since the city moved most to a shelter, somewhere?). The suffering of those without a voice down the street from me as well as half way across the globe is being felt deep within me and I realize I’ve been carrying these feels around for quite some time.

My empathic parts are finely tuned to suffering and these parts feel very overwhelmed because there is no end in sight. Without a possible solution on the horizon, even if it is far off, intensifies these painful emotions.

Added into the soup of big feels I am struggling to hold are grief and loss. Grief over the deaths of so many in a terrorist attack on Israel; grief over the death of civilians, in Gaza; grief over the eighteen people who were out bowling in Maine and lost their lives to gun violence.

This grief feels so raw, like it’s alive somehow within me and filled with crying souls wanting to be held and comforted. A sigh washes over me as I realize I am accepting the grief as a normal part of my everyday experience.

I am noticing that feelings of loss are not as intense as the others but somehow are elongated; perhaps it is knowing that loss of peace and the loss of life as I once knew it be is over. Again there is nothing on the horizon that indicates our world will get back to ‘normal’, well at least my experience of normal, and that makes the loss feel like it will always be with me. The ways I used to experience my day through interacting with others, shopping, working, playing and putting world events into a context I am familiar with have drastically changed over the past 25 years. Today I allowed myself to pause and reflect on all that has changed and the heaviness of loss hit me hard.

I realize I am having a hard time connecting with hopefulness but I know it is there. Perhaps I need to let out the big heavy feels before I can feel hope.

Comfort and tenderness from another can help us process the heavy stuff

Returning to this blog post a week later, I am happy to happy to report that all that writing above was helpful! I named most of what I was holding by writing this blog post but had to stop as deeply felt tears came streaming out.

And then something surprisingly beautiful and tender happened. Flourish’s four month old puppy, Diego, was under my chair as the tears were flowing and he came up to my side and snuck his snout under my arm. In a fleeting moment, my tears full of sorrow and pain turned into tears of joy. This young creature showed me tenderness and comfort without being asked to do it; he showed up for me when I needed a hug! I brought him onto my lap, petted his soft fur and thanked him for being so sweet and generous with support.

And there it was: HOPE ! When Diego showed up, the feeling of hope became so big it turned the tears of sorrow into joy. Experiencing tenderness from another, knowing it is alive and well in so many of us, whether we have two or four legs, lit up my tiny tingle of hope into something warm and comforting.

This whole process of naming the emotions I was experiencing, crying as a way to process them and receiving comfort from Diego, took about 10 minutes. After the 10 minutes, I wiped my tears, blew my nose and went back to making dinner. I even had a smile on my face and watched two episodes of Seinfeld while I made and ate dinner.

Sharing this with all of you to let you know that being present, mindfully aware of what your body is holding deep within you, right here - right now, is really hard! even for those of us that have done ‘the work’ that we do in therapy to resolve past experiences and cultivate coping skills and tools. Reaching out to another for support, kindness, empathetic listening or just to sit with you while you cry can help you to fully release what you are holding within.

Letting it out a little bit at a time or all at once with your therapist

I understand that what I detail above is not a simple process for anyone to follow. It took me decades to be able to do this so if you are challenged to do what I map out please know there is nothing wrong with you. Coping with what we are holding within is a learned process and takes time to cultivate the capacity to cope with big, heavy, painful emotions.

If it feels like your emotions are too bit to connect with that’s OK ! You can get there slowly but it takes time and possibly assistance from others. For the time being, let yourself know that you are aware that you have big painful emotions in your internal ‘waiting room’ and that when the time is right you can go there. This lets out a little bit of the held ‘heaviness’ because you are giving your body a cue that connecting with the held emotions will be happening sooner than later. Maybe the time will be right when a compassionate friend, partner or fluffy pet is nearby to comfort you. If connecting with emotions with a friend, partner or pet is not your jam, try connecting with one emotion at a time and set a timer for 1 minute. Allowing the emotion to be felt for a short period can be like the valve on a pressure cooker - letting the steam of the emotion slowly out while still holding in some other hot and heavy stuff.

Or you can keep these emotions in your waiting room until you come to therapy and ask your therapist to help you hold and process what’s inside.

The main point here is this:

Connect with how your body is responding to current events near and far as well as the stress of daily life that is happening around you so you can process it, release it, resolve it.

The emotions representing your response to your environment want and need to be connected to; if they are held and avoided for too long these emotions can keep you frozen, stuck, withdrawn or feeling overwhelmed, not able to focus or angry. Connecting with your big feels can release their hold on your brain and nervous system so you can be fully present and be the real you who wants to play, work, eat, have sex, sleep and thrive.

And connecting with the heavy feels can give you access to the deep compassion you have inside for yourself and others. Compassion is like a super hero. It can help balance out the the heaviness of our current global state and connect us to our common humanity and the knowing that there are still billions of human beings alive right now that are kind, compassionate, generous and desire peace.

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