Tips on Coping with Family During the Holidays
It’s the season for gift giving and gifts that are not tangible objects wrapped in colorful paper will be coming your way from your immediate and extended family if and when you spend time with them over the holidays.
You may experience little gifts from Aunt Laura such as “are you still at that same job’ or bigger gifts from your dad like when he doesn’t smile when you mention a recent promotion at work. These responses, or lack of responses, usually activate our nervous systems and not in a good way. A little dig from a relative, a facial expression that exhibits dismissiveness, political discussions that pit your beliefs against your parents, or a hurtful statement about your appearance can provoke your nervous system to engage in it’s survival wiring.
Facial gestures, tone of voice, or certain statements from someone in your family can provoke activation of your ‘fight or flight’ response (sympathetic nervous system and this state will dictate the type of behaviors and thought patterns that will follow. Building awareness of your physiological state, such as ‘fight or flight’, can be key in bringing in coping mechanisms to ease family or relationship tension, stress and disagreements.
How to know if you are in ‘fight or flight’
Our human bodies are wired to pick up threats to our survival and this wiring shifts thought patterns and resources such as oxygen, blood flow and energy to give you the best chance of surviving the threat. Back in the day when threats posed by predators and / or neighboring tribes happened frequently and sturdy shelter was uncommon, our sympathetic nervous system engagement, also known as ‘fight or flight’, helped us to run really fast, scream really loud, or fight with strength and agility. These type of threats are no longer prevalent in modern times but the same wiring responsible for protection and defense can be tripped as easily by multiple cell phone notifications, a dismissive gesture from a parent, or a judgy, critical response from a friend, partner or colleague.
Physical signals alerting you that your sympathetic nervous system has been engaged include:
Increased heart rate and blood pressure
Faster and shallow breathing
Dilated pupils
Perspiration and/or clammy hands/feet
Nausea and loss of appetite
Behavior changes that can indicate sympathetic nervous system engagement are:
Catastrophic thoughts
Urge to run away / leave
Panic that lingers
Confrontational and/or defensive language patterns
For those of you who want to or are obligated to spend time with family even though you know there will be some uncomfortable moments when ‘fight or flight’ could get activated, we have some tips below to help ground your nervous system so that you can soften the discomfort and still enjoy time with family.
Do these four things if you get into ‘fight or flight’ when with family
Breath - The easiest hack to your nervous system when sympathetic is activated is to start with inhaling and exhaling in equal parts, with a half second pause in between. Since your heart rate will be elevated, trying to hold your breath after an inhale, such as the 4-7-8 box breath, will NOT be helpful as you are asking your body to do something it isn’t ready for. Instead, focus on inhaling for 2 counts, pause, exhale for 2 pause, and repeat. You can do this silently at the dinner table and we recommend you do at least 10 rounds of these breaths before responding or talking as the breath. Continue with another 10 rounds but lengthen the cycle of each breath by lengthening the count. For example, inhale for 3 counts, pause, exhale for 3 counts, pause and repeat this 2-3 times then inhale for 4 counts, pause, exhale for 4 counts, pause. This could take about two to three minutes and will give your body the opportunity to slow down, be present with all that is happening around you and in you, priming you to respond in a way that is mindful, present and non-confrontational.
Connection - Look around the room for a friendly face, including pets, and make eye contact for at least 2 seconds to send a signal to your nervous system that you are not alone. Physical touch can also be very helpful as long as it is consensual. The connection you make through gaze or physical touch allows your ‘up’ regulated nervous system to connect to another nervous system that is grounded which in turn can help yours to cool down, lower defenses, and pick up cues of safety knowing you have at least one ally with you.
Take a bathroom break, even if you don’t need one, to temporarily remove yourself from an emotionally intense situation. Use the time alone to focus on equal breaths in and out, with slight pauses in-between, and stay away for at least 5 minutes.
Focus with intention on one of your five senses. Engaging one of your five senses with curiosity can send an unconscious signal of safety to your nervous system. For example, look around the room you are in for shades of the color red and then remain interested in the dimensions, origin, materials and creation of the objects. Or, if you are seated at a dinner table, tantalize your sense of taste by taking small bites, chewing with intention and curiosity and being mindful of the sensation of swallowing.
For more tips and strategies to help you spend time with family our the holiday season, visit this post on mindful.org.