Really listening can soften defensiveness and lead to deeper connection
Our fast-paced, tech-, social media- and opinion-driven environments are great for quick check-ins with loved ones and quickly scanning and scrolling through headlines. However, they have a serious side effect: the snapshots, reels, opining and judgments that dominate are dismissive of the old-fashioned human art of really listening.
Reading a quick Instagram caption or multi tasking by texting friends while doing another task doesn’t give us the space and time we need to really hear what each other is experiencing, thinking, or deeply feeling. Although it can feel like we get it - we can exchange a few words, photos or emoji’s and believe we have a firm grip on whats happening with each other during these quick exchanges.
However, we are the most complex creatures on planet Earth and we cannot get the full picture of what someone is experiencing through emoji’s or brief exchanges.
We humans are WIRED for connection. This means that our interrelated systems work optimally when we are hearing someone’s voice, seeing their facial expressions, feeling their touch, or just sharing space with them. When we experience connection with another our nervous systems go into ‘safety’ mode, which then opens us up to laughter, creativity, curiosity, sex, play, healthy digestion and sleep.
If you go back and reflect on your time during the COVID lockdowns and had minimal in person connection to others, were you struggling with sleep, appetite, energy, creativity, or laughter? If you were, it could be your vagus nerve sensed the isolation and emitted messages of ‘perceived threat’ within your body which could then re-route your resources into ‘fight or flight’ mode. And when we are in ‘fight or flight’, our whole body is on high alert to fend off danger.
BUT
Social engagement, such as hearing someone’s voice, making eye contact, or feeling their touch can quickly disengage our ‘fight or flight’ mode. Social engagement also includes listening and if we really listen to understand what is being said, the listening can act like a light switch that can turn on the ‘thrive’ switch for both people.
Listening and other forms of social engagement can also soften someone who is being defensive and/or has PTSD. If someone close to you is being defensive or pushes you away because they have PTSD, it is usually because they are engaged in ‘fight or flight’ and they can’t just turn it off by themselves. They can’t just ‘chill out’ or rationally think their way through the panic or anxiety. They need connection to another human who cares about them, who really listens to them, lets them know they are heard, validates what they are feeling and saying.
The hardest part about listening and empathizing is slowing down and getting out of your head and allowing yourself to feel the other person talking with you. Slowing down and re-organizing your priorities to make time to listen to a loved one on a phone or video call, or in person, might feel uncomfortable, or even scary, at first. But you may find the deeper connection and intimacy that can follow can fulfill you in ways that scrolling TikTok cannot.
Connection to another, through really listening, is a beautiful gift to give to important people in your life. And the more listening you do, you may find how wonderful it feels to experience deeper and more intimate connection with those close to you.