Feeling the feels, without negative judgment, is healthy !
Have you ever shared the way you feel with someone and their response has been “Don’t be so negative!”?
Allowing yourself to feel both positive and negative emotions is healthy. Dr. Dan Siegel’s research on ‘Name it to tame it’ was groundbreaking in its use of fMRI images showing the disengagement of the brain’s amygdala when emotions are labeled and talked about. Now new research with nearly 1,700 participants over a five year period also showed healthy psychological outcomes for those who allow both negative and positive emotions to be felt and experienced.
The secret for these healthy psychological outcomes? No judgment !
Judging an emotion as ‘bad’ implies we are wrong to feel it and wrong to share it. But this type of judgment denies the human experience; as the most complex creatures on the planet we are capable of a full spectrum of emotions. If we label some emotions as bad are we not then telling ourselves to not be fully human?
As psychotherapists we see emotion as living energy within you; energy that represents your unique experience of a moment in time. If you try to shut down an emotion because you have judged it to be bad or negative, the energy that is the emotion will not just go away. in fact the more we try to shut off, disconnect, numb or avoid emotion, the more the emotion will hang around and try to get your attention. It can embed itself in your chest as tightness, in your belly as a chronic flutter, or become the fuel underneath disruptive and ruminative thoughts.
Tips for feeling your feels … without judgment
If you notice your self-talk or a significant other is judging how you feel, try to soften the judgment with tender knowing that judgment is protective. Your own heart, brain or friend could be trying to protect you from feeling pain or suffering and judgement helps to distract from what you are experiencing. By tenderly connecting to the protective care yourself or another is giving you can help soften the emotions you are feeling.
Compassion is the arch nemesis of judgment. Placing your hand(s) on your heart-center and, with loving kindness tell yourself that what you are feeling right now is hard but also part of the human condition, can connect help you process the emotion without labels. You will notice the emotion (and its energy) will leave soon after and you will most likely feel lighter (and better).
Mindful journaling with a feelings wheel will help you label emotions without judgment. Look at the words on the wheel, inquire within your body if the word resonates within you in any way, and then write the word down. Once you have gone through the wheel and written down all you are feeling within bring your hand(s) over your heart center and inhale and exhale fully, with brief pauses in-between. Allow your breath to create some space for the emotions to be held and after a few rounds of breathe imagine that the emotion is leaving you through your exhale. More on mindful journaling here.
If the person you confide in when you are needing to be heard or comforted responds with judgement, which isn’t comforting, know there are others out there who will respond differently. Joining a support group or meeting with an empathetic therapist can help you feel validated and comforted; in turn you can learn to seek out comfort from those who will respond to you in a way that works best for you.
References
Willroth EC, Young G, Tamir M, Mauss IB. Judging emotions as good or bad: Individual differences and associations with psychological health. Emotion. 2023 Mar 13. doi: 10.1037/emo0001220. Epub ahead of print. PMID: 36913276.