Finding Balance With Mindfulness
In 2009 I moved back to Austin after twenty-five years of longing and strategizing to make it happen. Even though the autoimmune disease that decimated many joints in my body was debilitating, I knew moving back to Austin would, at minimum, improve my well-being. Austin always felt like ‘home’ to me and I knew the best thing I could do to help soothe the chronic pain, brain fog, insomnia, and fatigue was to ground my whole body in a place where I felt like I belonged.
While my first months here were lonely, I stumbled upon a video taken of the Black Eyed Peas singing “I Gotta A Feeling” for the 24th Season celebration of The Oprah Winfrey Show. I had always liked the song, but when I watched the video of the performance and saw 20,000 people dancing in tune with each other, I not only had uncontrollable goosebumps but a few tears of joy leaked out of the corners of my eyes. I felt hopeful for the first time in years that I could soon feel the joy of connecting and communing with others. I knew I needed to connect with others to feel hopeful and joyful but I did not know why I knew this. I found out years later why I had an innate desire to connect with others to feel better, and it had everything to do with polyvagal theory and how all of our nervous systems are yearning for connection and co-regulation.
Isolation during the pandemic is hard to shake
Here we are now in 2024 and the encouraged isolation from others during Covid is still within so many of us, including me. The chronic isolation, lack of connection, and the fear that others could harm us during the pandemic years did a number on all of our nervous systems. All of us were yearning, unconsciously, for co-regulation and connection but it felt like there were many hurdles to get over in order to make it happen. Getting together with others, being in community spaces with others, or even going someplace new brought upon fears of getting sick, fears of being judged, or fears of bumping up against temporary regulations. Some of us could push through the worry and anticipated hard work in order to engage with others socially, without masks (seeing facial expressions is one key element to nervous system regulation). Some could not push through and could even be feeling anxiety today when thinking of getting out in public or together with friends or family.
I do consider myself to be lucky to have had the education and training on nervous system regulation and the importance of social engagement. I was able to make sure, early on in 2020, to do the best I could in spending time outside, doing some home-based social things with a few friends, and regulating my nervous system with my covid crew (my three pups). I was able to balance held fear, anxiety, and uncertainty with the joy of connecting with others and with Mother Nature; the blue skies and chirping birds sent signals to my vagus nerve that all was safe and okay.
For a few weeks this past August and the first week of September, I did not have the capacity to bring in what I needed to help balance an intensely held sense of uncertainty; I felt overwhelmed with gloom and felt sure that something bad was on the very near horizon. I felt fatigued and collapsed in the evenings and noticed unusual and persistent feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness; it was thick and heavy with cynicism and distrust on the edges. I knew this was unusual for me in the sense that I couldn’t shake it after a couple of days of mindful and emotional processing as well as rest and isolation. Every afternoon for nearly 23 days, I was hopeful that I would not want to collapse into my zero gravity chair. During that time I did not try to analyze why I felt this way; instead, I was mindful of what was happening and trusted my body to give me answers when it was ready for the answers.
Accepting the Here and Now Takes Time
And just like that, on September 7th, I got the answer. The body not only keeps the score but it also keeps a calendar. My entire body knew an anniversary of a terrifying event was coming up and this anniversary was approaching at a time when there were several stressors happening in my life. My internal protectors knew before I did that I did not have the strength or capacity to be with all I was holding and, thankfully, dropped my nervous system in a dorsal vagal state so I could get by on the bare minimum until I had more capacity on board to deal with all the things that were happening in the here and now.
By realizing the calendar was influencing my nervous system state, I was able to accept and process the held feelings of uncertainty, hopelessness, and gloom.
Back to a terrifying anniversary. Before I moved back to Austin I used to work in New York City and was in the World Trade Center on September 11th in 2001. It was a horrifically hard day to go through for a few reasons but I also learned that I have good survival instincts. Balancing out the trauma along with awareness I made good decisions that day that probably led me to avoid injury helped me for the first few days but PTSD settled in soon afterward and lasted for many years. I have been able to recover from PTSD with the help of therapy, kundalini yoga, integrative medicine and nutrition, breathwork, and co-regulation with friends and pups as the trauma from that day certainly played a part in the autoimmune disease that decimated my joints soon after September 11th.
“Giving the nervous system the cues of safety ... you increase co-regulation with others – you start getting a more optimistic perspective of life and you start seeing the core of humanity expressing itself. ”
Over the past few weeks I was mindful to be non-judgmental of how I was feeling; I allowed ease and grace to feel withdrawn, isolated and hopeless and this softened the heaviness I was feeling. I knew my body was in a dorsal vagal autonomic nervous system state. By giving myself the space and time I needed to just be in this dorsal state I found that the fearful and hopelessly-themed thoughts and emotions were softer and not as loud as they would have been if I had tried to push myself to be with others or be more productive. And, as if a magic wand had been waved, the heavy feelings disappeared and a sense of hope, faith and desire to connect with others arose. Being able to come out of this state before September 11th in 2024 is a testament to how remarkable our human bodies are and how responsive they are to evolving and resolving previously held trauma.
It is not a coincidence that it has been easier for me the past few days to find balance within my nervous system since I re-committed to a yoga practice. Between kundalini and hatha yoga, my body has been able to release the thick essence of negative emotions and traumatic past events and connect with an energy and vibe that is much bigger than these feels and bigger than myself. While I cannot do many of the poses I used to so many years ago, I embrace self-compassion and bring in modifications and props to support the spots that need it; yoga is not for those wanting flexibility but it is for those who want to bring in light and love into the dark spaces within.
Finding Balance
Grounding into the present moment of community in a yoga class, taking in sunlight without sunglasses, feeling the cooler September air on my skin and the soft, warm fur of Diego (my pup) has been helping me accept the unease of the here and now. Sharing how I am feeling with my own therapist, playing dominos and poker with friends, listening to live music, and preparing myself nutritious meals also helps me to be with and hold the uncertainty that is clearly on the horizon.
I hope that you find ways to make space for and accept the worry and stressors of right here, right now. If you need some help, please reach out to friends or family that are good at showing up for you in empathetic and compassionate ways. Or reach out to us as we can definitely help you be IN it, right here, right now.