Finance and business people use dollars coming in and going out as their foundational language that informs the health and wellness of a business.

For us mental health professionals we use thoughts and feelings as our foundational language within our therapeutic relationships with clients and patients. The more articulate and fluid our people become with this language, their sense of well-being improves.

However, unlike dollars, the currency of thoughts and feelings can’t be quantified. They are ethereal, as intangible as air. Since they are intangible many people have experienced feeling dismissed or ignored when they communicate what they are thinking or feeling. Also, these thoughts and feelings can have an intense and complex effect on us that shows up as anxiety, depression, OCD, ADD, and/or insomnia.

Thoughts are internal words, visuals, and sounds that seem to randomly pop into our reality. No one can hear, see, or feel them; only we have access to them. They can lead us to believe a casual dating partner is madly in love with us or that a long-term romantic partner will leave us at any moment. They can keep us awake when we are supposed to sleep, or they can convince us we are going to get fired at any moment and then lose our home.

Most people try to intellectually analyze the thoughts hoping to ‘solve’ the circulating thoughts so they will stop. But how would we know if our analysis with a solution is right or wrong if we don’t even know if the thought is accurate to begin with? No matter how hard we try to assign meaning and solutions to make the thoughts go away, they persist.

To me, it all comes back to the feels. Emotions are real, felt energy that can show up as tears of joy or pain, a tummy ache or headache, a hearty laugh, or a state of collapse from hopelessness. Tears are recognizable to others as is a hearty laugh or a collapse into hopelessness. This is our way to non-verbally communicate to our external environment that we are thriving or waning. This brings us to the timeless dilemma - what came first, the thought or the feeling?

I have been practicing from the perspective that emotions come first and the thought(s) are the intellectual representation of the feeling. You may have a different perspective. If you want to have some fun self-discovery, get curious and explore for yourself …. keep reading to find out how.

Compassion and patience are key when it comes to noticing thoughts

Thoughts can be intrusive, persistent, and can feel like they are on a repeat loop that will never stop. You will first need to become aware, in the present moment, that the thought(s) are happening if you want to have an impact on slowing them down, turning down their volume, or lessening the distress they can cause. However, noticing the thoughts can be really hard since the repetitive and intrusive nature can lead people to feel stressed, overwhelmed, and even hopeless. The key to success in putting space between your thoughts and emotions is to have patience, practice fairly consistently, and allow yourself grace and compassion while building awareness of how true, or NOT true, are the thoughts that keep popping up.

Just because you think it, it doesn’t mean it’s true

Have you ever slowed down to notice what you are thinking after you send a text message and don’t get a response? Do your thoughts lead you to believe you’ve done something wrong or you are not important enough to get a quick response? And then when you find out the person you texted was on a plane or at the doctor, you just laugh to yourself and move on?

When you slow down and notice the thoughts that pop up when interacting (or waiting to interact) with others you might be able to pick up patterns; recurring thoughts that are reflective of a way you feel deep inside. These thought patterns could lead you to become aware of feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, insignificance, self-judgment or many other emotions that have been with you for a long time. For instance, sometimes when I reach out to someone via text or phone and I don’t hear back right away I notice my first thought is something like “They must be mad at me and don’t want to talk to me”. At the time I have no evidence this is true but I have this thought often. After therapy and mindful self-discovery I have an understanding of why I go there and now when I have thoughts like these I pause, place my hands over my heart, and allow myself to feel the underlying emotions of the thoughts such as unimportant and not wanted. The feels are real within me but the thoughts that my friend doesn’t want to talk to me are not true. After I pause to allow these emotions to be felt the thoughts quickly go away.

Tips to Feel the Feels that are Fueling the Thoughts

The Feelings Wheel is a fantastic tool to keep handy on your phone or printed out in your home. Whip it out whenever thought patterns are causing discomfort to connect with what emotion is coming up within you. Take a moment to pause and reflect as you read each word on the outer parts of the wheel to see if the word resonates with you in some way. You don’t need to justify why you are feeling the word you see on the word - labeling the feeling that is present at that moment in time is what matters most.
When you notice a thought pattern that keeps occurring slow down and ask yourself ‘what is the evidence to support this thought?” Go through memories, text, or email messages to help you establish if the thought is based on something that was said or written to you. If you come up empty-handed, place your hand on your heart and connect with self-compassion that this moment you are in is challenging but will soon pass.
Combine the two steps above by noticing a thought pattern, internally inquiring for evidence, labeling feels with a feelings wheel and then, saying out loud or silently, ‘just because I think ___ is true, doesn’t mean it IS true’. Then pause, do several belly breaths ensuring your exhales are long and full, and feel a sense of ease that starts at your shoulders and, hopefully, cascades through the rest of your body.