How the ‘Shoulds’ Make You Feel Like S%#t … and How Mindfulness Can Help
Renowned psychologist Albert Ellis, the creator of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, had a way with words. When his patients brought in expectations of how a partner should behave or how an event should unfold he would point out they were ‘shoulding’ on themselves’; their expectations did not make room for a different outcome than the one they expected. While Dr. Ellis created his therapy model in the 1950s the ‘shoulds’ still show up in our modern times. And perhaps thanks to social media the shoulds, expectations, and comparisons are even more frustrating when people or situations do not turn out the way we want them to.
The ‘shoulds’
Mindful awareness combined with attachment theory helps us to look at ‘shoulds’ through a different lens. The first layer we see of a ‘should’ is that it is a judgment; we are labeling something that happened in the past as wrong, negative, or intolerable. For instance if a partner texted ‘happy birthday’ at 4pm on their significant other’s birthday, one might have spent most of the day feeling ignored or unloved because they didn’t receive a call or text earlier. The internal dialogue before 4pm might sound like a broken record repeating the same several sentences such as “they should have texted me happy birthday in the morning”, “they totally forgot about my birthday”, “they don’t like me”, “they are so inconsiderate.” And these repetitive, sometimes intrusive thoughts will fuel negative feelings of anger, frustration, and maybe even disappointment.
The second layer of the ‘shoulds’ is related to judgment being defensive and protective. When we judge something or someone with a negative, critical lens we ignore all other perspectives and possibilities. By becoming entangled in all the things that are wrong or not good enough about something or someone we can miss some good or considerate acts or outcomes. But most of all the ‘shoulding’ keeps us from being curious about what is going on within that needs the protection of judgment. For instance, in the example above of ‘shoulding’ someone for sending late afternoon birthday wishes, feeling angry and judging the partner allows one to avoid feeling disappointed, betrayed, inadequate, or insignificant- - all big, painful feelings. In some way judgment of the other person keeps us protected from big painful feels and focuses attention and energy on being mad at them instead of being with and processing the big feels.
How to soften the ‘shoulds’
Mindfulness can help with the shoulds. Mindfulness as a construct is the innate capacity all human beings have to be with something or someone objectively, just the way it is, and without judgment. But being with something or someone that has disappointed us or not met our expectations is hard to do. For some that have attachment wounds connecting with uncomfortable feelings such as disappointment is too much for their nervous systems so the body re-routes the thought patterns to judgment. The disappointment is still there but by focusing energy on judgment, one can avoid the raw pain of disappointment for a short (or long) amount of time. Our human capacity of disassociation or disconnection from feelings is there to help us put off being with painful emotions until we have the capacity to cope with them. However, the downside here, is that many people never learn how to increase their capacity to be be with painful, negative emotions.
We suggest taking baby steps when trying to soften the ‘shoulds’.
Bring awareness to what you are feeling and thinking. Every now and then try noticing if you are having judgmental thoughts about someone or something. Just pause and check in with some thought patterns that seem to be bugging you; the judgey thought patterns often repeat themselves so they are easier to notice. Then label them, such as ‘aah, these thoughts are very judgmental’. That is it. During this first step, you do not need to be mad at yourself for judging or try to make the thought go away. Just noticing the judgment will reduce some of the negative intensity that comes along with it.
Bring in curiosity to what you may be avoiding. After you have noticed judgments within thought patterns towards others or yourself, you are now ready to bring in curiosity. Being curious about what else you are feeling or experiencing, even if it is an implicit experience or memory from many years earlier that has some familiarity to what is happening in the here-and-now, can turn into a significant moment. Again, judgment can be protective, and when we engage in judging behaviors or situations, the judgment veils what is really going on. Curiosity can help shine a light on what is really brewing within you and seeing this can not only soften the negative feelings of the ‘shoulds’ but can lead you towards discovering long-held uncomfortable experiences and emotions. The Feelings Wheel can help you to identify these emotions.
Notice judgment, put it aside and get curious about what else is going on. This last step combines the first two and takes practice to get here; but once you can notice you are being judgey and ask your inner wisdom ‘what else is going on’, the judgment dissolves, your nervous system moves out of ‘fight or flight’ (sympathetic nervous system), and you will have the internal resources and capacity to be with the variety of emotions that are happening in the moment. You will feel a sense of ease even if you are connected to the discomfort of feeling disappointed or insignificant.
Even though the three steps above can seem easy enough, they are not. The process above can take months, even years, to go through until you can reach the third step. We are wired for judgment because it is protective; we cannot stop judging. But we can notice it, put it on a shelf, and see what else is there. If someone has had adverse experiences or trauma as a child or an adult, their protective shields like judgment and dissociation, may not come down without the help of a trained professional. Mindfulness-based therapy, accompanied by applying attachment and polyvagal theories, can help you get to number three.